Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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