Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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