dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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