if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
