I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
