My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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