Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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