I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
