just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
