the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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