Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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