my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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