I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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