I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
