I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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