upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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