WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
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