I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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