Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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