If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
