had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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