I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
