i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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