The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
The feeling are messing with the penis
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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