My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
