the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Randomize
