if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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