Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
