dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
