Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
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