what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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