apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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