i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
