I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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