Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
