It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
