Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
