Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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