i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
