my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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