quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
