Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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