fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
