So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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