Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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