Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Dignity is for republicans.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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