I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
