just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
