I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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