Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
