$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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