You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
We were destined to go to rehab together
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
