I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Randomize
