i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
