And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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