My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
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