i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
