Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
